LIVING WITH ANXIETY
We all have the anxious emotion in our body. We wouldn’t all be human if we didn’t have that but for others like myself, my anxious emotion tends to go on over drive and makes me think someone is constantly staring at me 24/7. I’m scared something is going to happen if I have a good day, I always get anxious when I wake up for the next day in case something bad has happened to my life. Living with my anxiety must be the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life as it physically and mentally exhausting. With the added depression it feels like you are climbing the highest mountain ever and you must have breaks as there are obstacles in the way and you will fall off if you try climbing it all at once.
I have days where my anxiety is letting me jump over hurdles and my depression is like oh no sister you get back here. Take this for an example. I could be ready to go out with my best friend, but my thoughts are dark, and I just have no energy to even smile let alone go out.
I have days where my depression is giving me a break for an hour without the dark thoughts, but my anxiety starts going on an overdrive. Take example. If I went to the shop for some milk. “He’s staring at you Shannon, you’re going to get hurt if you say thank you. Don’t smile, you will make a fool of yourself”
Then I have days where my depression and anxiety are being good for once. The days where I can go out and smile. The days where I can think “Ah, I love this feeling”, When I do get those days. I cherish them like diamonds as I know when I’m having a low day. I can think of the good days and hope tomorrow is a better day.
The physical symptoms of anxiety are a ballache. Let’s be polite about that. I had much worse words than that, but I thought I would be polite!
I think of stepping out the front door and my heart is racing, and I have sweaty palms and headaches.
Plus, needing a wee more than usual. When, I was going to my family house for Christmas day. I went to the toilet about 20 times in 2 hours before I even got ready.
Insomnia! Ever feel so tired then you get into bed and put your head on the pillows, then your mind starts reminding what happened years ago then you can’t sleep because same. I can’t remember the last time I ever slept at a reasonable time not 5am every morning.
Panic Attacks. The first panic attack I had scared the shit out of me. I’m going to be honest. I thought I was dying. Not to be dramatic. My chest was tight, and I couldn’t breathe.
Now, I know the breathing techniques and I know when I am going to experience one. My hands start shaking and I look overwhelmed and I feel dizzy when I’m about to have one.
Before I was on my medication, I would have about 20 a day. Now I only tend to have a panic attack when I’m having a low day.
Living with anxiety is a pain but it has made me appreciate my good days. Living with anxiety is shitty but it has taught me a lot of things. Living with anxiety has grown me into the person I am today.
I’m not ashamed of anxiety. I’m not anxiety. Anxiety hasn’t taken over my body. I’m still the same Shannon who raps to mist in the shower.
Love from Shannon x